Monday, 20 July 2015

Life Update: Im Back! | Domestic Abuse | ♥ New Beginnings ♥


Hello! I feel so strange opening my laptop again and typing on here.. it has been too long! I finally have some motivation to start blogging again. The last time I posted on here was in November last year, the reason I have had such a long break from blogging was because I was in a bit of a mess and I needed to make some serious changes to my life.
I was "stuck" in a horrible, both mentally and physically abusive relationship. This relationship had been terrible since day one, I was in it for 4 years, since I was 15. I tried to convince myself it would be okay and it would sort itself out, I was wrong. Things got really bad around May last year, I was so exhausted and fed up. I was having constant battles in my head, mind games, blackmail and lies were just a few of the horrible, mentally draining things I was dealing with on a daily basis from my ex. I had no life whatsoever, I lost contact with so many friends because I wasn't allowed friends, I was constantly being judged wherever I went, I was being cheated on and lied to all the time, I was constantly "looking after" an unemployed, depressed, drunk boyfriend who never failed to disappoint me.
Things got even worse in September when the more serious forms of physical abuse happened, I don't want to go into much detail about it but I had reached breaking point and I'd had enough, I wanted out for good, I was scared and felt so alone. I had tried to leave several times before but I always, somehow got guilt tripped back into staying (don't ever do this, if something isn't right then change it, you wont regret it!). I finally ended things in November, I instantly felt like a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders, however, things were still really hard, I didn't have my own mind, I was not me anymore, I had totally lost myself, I had to change my mobile number because I was constantly getting texts from him telling me how terrible I was and how could I do this to us, it was a nightmare, I just needed to cut all ties and try my best to sort myself out.
I had no idea what I was going to do, nobody knew the extent of how bad things were, I didn't know how to tell my friends what had been happening, I didn't know what to tell my mum and dad, I just wanted to skip ahead to the good bit and get away from every bad memory in my head. I gradually opened up more and more to my mum about what had been happening, me and my mum have always had a really close friendship but I just couldn't ever tell her the things that were going on at the time, I don't know why, I just couldn't and that was so silly because this all could have ended a long time ago before it got this bad if I had just spoke to her. After a long night of no sleep and impatiently waiting for my mum to get up and make breakfast, I got up and told her about the physical abuse, we both just cried for a while, it broke her heart. I felt so good that I had finally told someone what had really been happening. I should never have let it go on for so long, I should have left at the very first sign. I still to this day have absolutely no idea where the last 4 years have gone, I feel like I was just watching some terrible relationship unfold right in front of my eyes, I don't feel like it was even me at all. I have wasted so much time, time I should have been making memories with my friends and family, I will never get those 4 years back and that upsets me.
In the following months I really started to live my life again, something I hadn't done since I was 15. I had my friends back, I had a few days away in Glasgow at one of my best friends flat, we shopped, went to the cinema, ate loads of junk food and laughed non stop, it was such a good feeling to finally be free and laugh again! I went out into town on weekends and had a brilliant time with my best friends. I was constantly staying with my friends and doing fun stuff, every day. Even work was more bearable, I wasn't constantly worrying when the next time my drunk boyfriend was going to walk in the door and start telling me he wasn't leaving the store until I finished my shift in 4 hours time and me having to be taken upstairs by staff members because he wouldn't leave. I felt so relieved.
I was determined I was done with boys for a long time and I wasn't going to be involved in another relationship for the foreseeable future, then Rory happened.
2015 started so perfectly for me, I was out celebrating New Year with my best friends, I had seen Rory about quite a lot since I had started going out more and more, we followed each other on Instagram and constantly 'liked' each others pictures, I thought he was wonderful, he's really handsome, polite and so kind. I never had the courage to speak to him until New Year, when he came up to me at the bar and said "Happy New Year Natalie" and kissed me on the cheek. I was so happy, I couldn't believe he was even wanting to speak to me, after a brief chat we separated and found each other again that night in a different pub. We talked for ages, it felt like we had known each other forever, I couldn't believe this genuine, kind and lovely boy had just appeared into my life out of nowhere and totally changed my view on having a boyfriend again. Since that night we have been inseparable, we do everything together, he is not only my boyfriend but the best friend I've ever had. I have never been so happy in all my life, I thought I was never going to find "the one" but I can certainly say I have now. I have never felt more comfortable with someone than I have with Rory. I am so relieved to finally be treated the way I should be, He has made me realise how terrible my last relationship was and how it is most certainly not "normal" to be treated that way. We both wish we had met each other years ago but we have each other now and that's all that matters.
If you have made it this far into my extremely long post then well done and thanks for reading to the end! I will definitely be back on track now and start blogging again properly. I can't wait to start reviewing products again and telling you all about what I am up to.
If any of you are suffering from domestic abuse then please feel free to email me: nataliemaac@googlemail.com and talk to me, there are so many womens aid clinics and similar charities and help all over the country and around the world for men and women with people who will help you and make your life more bearable, I promise you, you aren't stuck, you just need a guide in the right direction and you'll make it out okay and you will have your life back, I am proof that you can get a happy ending if you take control and put an end to abuse. x
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7 comments:

  1. I have just cried whilst reading this, you are such an inspiration for having the strength to leave. I wish you all the best in the future! x

    NINEGRANDSTUDENT: A Student Lifestyle Blog

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  2. Well done for sharing your story! This can be a hard topic for people to talk about, I am glad you are happy now! X

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  3. Good on you girl for taking your life back! Too many men think women are theirs to control. My ex was abusive to me, made me doubt myself so much when I was with him, I was with him for two years then he ended it. But then when I started seeing someone else many months later he freaked and long story short his friends bullied me for over a year so badly I've had counselling and still have nightmares from the trauma. He manipulated so he looked like he did nothing wrong. SIGH. Glad I'm far away from that now, one day my mind will fully recover :) x
    amber love

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    1. I'm really sorry to hear about what you have been dealing with. I promise you that your head will get better, it will take time and your nightmares will eventually stop, I know how you feel, it's really not nice at all. It's terrible being minipulated into thinking everything is your fault and then you start doubting yourself and thinking you are crazy but when you overlook everything you soon realise you are definitely NOT the crazy one! I hope your future is much brighter now! X

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  4. So sorry for what has happened to you but I'm glad you're super happy now :)
    Thanks so much for sharing, it's so important for other sufferers to see and to know it can get better.
    Can't wait to see more posts from you!

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Thank you for your comment, I love reading what you think of my posts and my blog! If you would like to ask me anything or just want a chat, tweet me @shabbychicndtea :)! xo

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